February 2011
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Jon Stewart and Kristen Schaal give examples of how Republicans can link abortions to just about any program they want to de-fund.
- KRISTEN: Our taxes are going to abortions in ways no one is even talking about.
- JON: Well, let's talk about it now. How?
- KRISTEN: Well, for starters, we have to cut funding for fire departments.
- JON: Why would that be?
- KRISTEN: Helllloooo? What if an abortion clinic catches fire, and firefighters put it out, paving the way for more abortions? Abortionist firefighters, paid for with our taxpayer dollars.
- JON: Well that's like saying we need to de-fund the Coast Guard because abortion providers go to the beach.
- KRISTEN: I hadn't even thought of that. But you're right -- no more Coast Guard! Give me another. This is fun.
- JON: F.A.A.
- KRISTEN: Mile-High Club. Number one cause of unwanted pregnancies between Newark and LAX.
- JON: Mining Safety Commission.
- KRISTEN: Mile-BELOW Club.
- JON: Library of Congress.
- KRISTEN: Sexy librarians.
- JON: NASA.
- KRISTEN: Space abortions!
- JON: Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
- KRISTEN: Jon, please. I'm getting pregnant just listening to you.
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WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
My earliest human memory was when my robot brain was installed into this failing human body. Such humility that day.
